Thoughts on the Coffee Trick and Why I Disdain It
The Coffee Trick.
It can come in many different shapes and forms, but I call it such because it can usually be taken literally, by being asked to “grab coffee.”Hm. First of all, what a poor choice of words in my opinion. Grabbing coffee? As if it can be grabbed, and as if that sounds fun? In short, the Coffee Trick is any form of a non-committal, open-to-interpretation invite. Now I know some girls who like when guys use the Coffee Trick. When taken literally, as an invitation for coffee, the plusses are that it’s a short interval during the day, as opposed to an evening dinner that might drag on if it’s not going well; you can leave when you want because you probably have other places still to go; and if it does go well, the guy can ask you out for dinner then. I agree that it sounds better to be asked to “grab coffee” rather than “grab drinks”. Grabbing drinks to me says lazy, non-committal, and sleazy. Is he going to try and get me drunk so he can take advantage of me? I personally don’t drink alcohol, but I can see the plus side to this, too. Again, it’s not the length of a dinner; you can back out and say you have another party to go to, if you’re not feeling it; and if it is going well, or if you are looking to get laid, then cheers. Other examples of the Coffee Trick are:
“Wanna grab drinks after work?”
“We should do lunch.”
“You should come by my place sometime, I host football parties every Sunday.”
“Maybe we can catch a Dodgers game one of these days. You free this weekend?”
See the pattern? All of these are very ambiguous… Is he asking you to hang out just as a friend? Or is he asking you on a date? It’s too mortifying to ask. If we are interested in this guy, we say yes, and analyze what he might have meant for days leading up to our… we don’t even know what to call it... get-together? If we’re not interested, and don’t want to be considered the awful and ever-used term “presumptuous”, or if we just don’t want to hurt his feelings, we’ll assume he meant only as friends. I think most of us can agree that this only prolongs the inevitable conversation where you’ll have to hurt his feelings anyway. I also think most of us can clearly see in the above examples that the man is indeed expressing interest in us that can be considered more-than-friendly. Perhaps he really isn’t asking you out on an official date (although unless he uses that exact word, how can we be sure?). Maybe he just wants to get to know you better before doing that, which is why he’s suggested a low-pressure setting for the two of you hang out. Some girls find this mutually agreeable, and will even call it clever when a guy doesn’t reveal his intentions right away.
But what about those of us who really want to know? Speaking for myself, I don’t like this ambiguity. It is not attractive to me when a guy puts me in the guessing position because he’s not even sure if he’s into me. Worse, that he is sure and is too fearful of rejection to be direct. Most of us agree that we don’t like to play games, yet many of us do unwittingly or not. It’s not directly manipulative to offer a girl an unclear invitation, but it’s not exactly forthright.
I am attracted to ballsy confidence in men, even if it borderlines cockiness. Instead of hearing, “So we should grab lunch or coffee or something one of these days if you’re free,” I’d much rather watch a guy grin at me and say, “I’m gonna take you on a date this Friday.” Yes, it is very forward on his part, but personally, I find this sexy. True, he did assume I’d say yes, and from the wrong guy and said the wrong way, it would come across as offensively overconfident and even rude. Still, I’d much prefer that to a man who only had the nerve or lack of imagination to ask me to grab coffee. At least when he’s bold, you don’t have to guess what his intentions are.